My relationship with rejection and acceptance began in second grade in Bavaria, Germany. I fancied a boy named Johannes. We were in the same class and always used to take the same route home. One day, as we walked home from school, we talked about our parents and the topic of marriage came up. I said, “Maybe we will get married someday.” Johannes laughed and replied, “Don’t be silly, I can’t marry a nigger.”

This was my first and perhaps most impactful experience of rejection based on my appearance, my culture, my skin color. Johannes marked the beginning of many instances where others› preferences influenced the behavior towards my own body. When I started engaging with social media platforms by the age of fourteen, I was soon confronted with visual imagery of women that were in the general consens admired and desired.

These images and communities spurred my desire to be one of them, aiming at the goal of never being rejected again. To conform to the ideals my algorithms and own social bubble presented, I began using digital image manipulation tools to curate my body image and formed persona meticulously.

These actions allowed me to control how others perceived me, whether they liked or despised me. Much of my validation started to come from men’s desirability.

“Bluuemoonbae” is a performative piece that confronts the digital manipulations through a translation of those into an analog form. I remain no longer just a digital footprint, but engage with my physical body directly, manipulating it and building on a relationship between the digital persona and physical self. . In the exhibition, photographs pasted on top of each other and torn off again convey the feeling of a flood of images and symbolize the endless cycle of change in my body. Visitors are also given the opportunity to read Instagram chat histories and form their own impression of the ambiguity between liking confirmation and disliking the need of following one’s own ideals.